Scared to Potty Train?

With Halloween approaching, what better time is there to talk about our fears?! A common sentiment is that parents are scared to potty train. Scared of power struggles, scared of causing psychological damage, scared of accidents and messes, scared that their child won’t be “ready,” and scared that they won’t know what to do and it will fail.

Only a couple of generations ago, potty training was a simple matter of course. There was a culture of potty training at an early age which began as soon as a baby could walk. Toilet independence by 17-20 months worked because it was expected to work – because parents saw it working all around them, and they were confident both in their child’s ability to learn this skill, and in their own ability to teach it. Potty training was part of our cultural knowledge, and was passed down through the generations.

In the middle of the 20^th Century, things began to change. I am not going to write about the entire history in this post, but know that the pendulum swung to an extreme of parent-imposed, fear-based methods that caused a lot of psychological and physiological damage, and then, in reaction, swung to the other extreme to a child-led approach that relied on waiting for a child to take the initiative to potty train. Through all of this, our culture was robbed of a whole body of knowledge that had parents leading their children through potty training effectively and without coercive methods, and doing so at a young age. We became so worried about damaging our children after the first experience with extreme methods (and rightly so!), that we never let ourselves balance out. We are still stuck in an extreme, but it is past serving its purpose. After releasing our children from fear-based approaches, we failed to recognize that parents became trapped in a culture of fear of potty training themselves.

The fear of psychological damage is deeply rooted, but based on coercive, pressure-ridden, fear-based methods. Potty training children at a very young age will not cause any damage, if done in a supportive, gentle, non-coercive way. This is proven over and over again by the potty training ages you see everywhere outside of the Western world – children all over the globe are potty trained between 12 and 18 months. Why should our children be any different? If you have not yet read my page on the Readiness Myth, please do have a look!

The fear of accidents and messes can be very real for some parents, yet it is so easy to deal with if given a little thought and preparation. There are ways to protect your house – your flooring and furniture – from accidents, especially in those first few days of the most intensive learning. This is a very short-term problem and it has many solutions. Accidents are part of the child’s learning journey. By delaying potty training, your child won’t miraculously potty train overnight with no accidents. If you face this fear now, you won’t have to do so later, and you’ll save yourself a lot of diaper changes and diaper purchases as well!

The fear of power struggles can be huge for some families. If you already experience regular power struggles with your baby or toddler (over food, getting dressed, discipline, sleep, etc.), it’s true that you are likely to experience them with potty training as well. Keep in mind that toddlers thrive when they have clear and consistent boundaries within which they are secure in the knowledge that they understand the rules. As much as it seems like they want to be in charge, the opposite is actually true. Toddlers want to know that you have their backs, always. And they want to know that you are in charge of the situation, even when they are a completely dysregulated mess. Non-coercive potty training really works within this. It is gentle and without pressure, but it is parent-led and firm in its boundaries.

The fear of not knowing what to do and maybe even failing is a major roadblock for parents in our society. Our cultural knowledge is missing, and in its place is a chaotic garble of conflicting advice, unwanted opinion, and bizarre social media interactions. You don’t need to feel like you are floundering. If you are seeking support and community from like-minded parents, please join the Go Diaper Free of Toronto private Facebook Support Group. If you feel like you need more comprehensive support, learn how you can Work With Us, and always feel free to Contact Us for more information.

Halloween brings us a little spook, and a lot of fun. It lightens up fear, and lets us embrace the unknown, if only for a single night. So, in the spirit of Halloween, I invite anyone in fear of potty training to embrace that fear and face it head on! You CAN do this, and you can do it positively for both you and your child, and have a little fun (and a lot of pride!) along the way!