Category: Potty Training

Elimination Communication, Potty Independence, Potty Training

Pressure, Pushing, & Potties, Oh My!

ruthanndrummond

I want to write today about something that comes up over and over on every parenting forum and group I see. As soon as someone posts about potty training, there is a flood of comments of: “don’t push it,” “no pressure,” and “take it slow.”

Somewhere along the way (in response to the “wait for readiness” campaign, which I talk about on my Readiness Myth page), our cultural perception became that anything but child-initiated potty training (from a child who is also likely 3yrs+) is inherently laced with rushing, pressure, and coercion; that potty training as an early and/or parent-led process will put undue stress on a child, sabotaging success and perhaps even causing long-term damage, either psychologically or physically.

I’ve written before about the Fear of Potty Training, which feeds into this, but today I wanted to address the difference between moving at a quick pace, within clear, defined boundaries, and moving at a gradual pace, within nebulous or inconsistent boundaries.

For some reason, setting boundaries has become difficult for many parents in our society. But toddlers and preschools thrive in a predictable world of routines, rituals, and rules. When they know and understand the limits, they feel the freedom to explore everything within those limits freely and comfortably, whereas children who are constantly seeking their boundaries, or whose boundaries are inconsistent, generally feel more anxiety and less freedom to explore.

As parents, we are our young children’s literal lifelines, and they instinctively know this. They have an evolutionary imperative to depend on us, 100%, to be their capable guides and leaders in the process of growing up. They want and need to feel like we’re in control, that we always have their backs, and that we can handle all of their moods and behaviours without judgement, no matter what. Yes, they ultimately want to be independent, and they will constantly try out how that feels. But for now, they need to know that they can depend on us to get them there.

What does this mean, for potty training?

Potty training your child clearly and quickly at a young age (18mth+, and occasionally even younger), is actually GENTLER, than potty training your child casually and gradually, and waiting for them to tick off all of the “readiness” boxes (usually at around 3yrs).

Why?

Because giving them clear boundaries to operate within aligns with their developmental life stage, and makes things EASIER for them. Because it puts you, the parents, in the leadership role, which is what your child wants and needs from you. Because giving children the freedom to explore within the boundaries you have set helps them to learn the skill faster and with more confidence, and with much less confusion.

In all but Western countries, the NORM is for children to be potty trained between 12 and 18mths. Their cultures [rightfully] believe them to be capable at these ages, and potty training is seen as a simple matter of course, taken on with confidence by parents who have never been taught to doubt in their child’s abilities. The children are given a clear path to follow, and thrive under their parents’ confident guidance.

Potty training at a young age is not synonymous with pressure and coercion. It does not mean you are pushing your child to do something they are not ready to do. It does not cause your child any damage. Likewise, potty training quickly (whatever the age) does not mean you aren’t being gentle and supportive. It does not mean that you are rushing or forcing your child. It does not mean that the process will fail. You and your child can have the same success in 12 days that you can have in 12 months – it’s all a matter of attitude, commitment, and clarity.

No matter the age of your child, they are capable of beginning their toilet learning now, and are only waiting for your confident guidance. Proceed with intention and clarity, and Toilet Independence will be just around the corner. 😊

Elimination Communication, Potty Independence, Potty Training, Products

Navigating Gear, Part 1 – What potty should I buy?

ruthanndrummond

Modern society likes its gadgets and conveniences, and EC and potty training is no different. There is almost an infinite array of potties, training pants, books, clothing, etc. all marketed as being what you NEED to get your kid to toilet independence. But do you? Well, no. You don’t actually need a thing except a kid, the clothes you want them to wear, and the place you want them to eliminate. However, as with everything, sometimes the right tool DOES make a job easier. Thus, I will occasionally be posting about navigating gear, to help you understand what’s out there, what it’s used for, and most importantly, to help you decide what might be right for your family. If you want to see a list of tools and resources that I have experienced having success, have a look at our Resources page. Topic #1 is one of the most important to both EC and potty training – the potties themselves!

First and foremost, do you NEED a potty? Well, no. But I do recommend them, and this is why: Potties are the easiest way for your child to do their potty routine on their own. For me, any inconvenience a potty might bring into your life is made up for 1000x by your child’s ability to be completely independent on a potty from a very young age. If you have to help lift your child onto a toilet, or help them feel secure by helping to hold them on top of the toilet. Or if you have to go with your child and let them into a child-proof locked bathroom every time they have to pee, then they don’t get to achieve the same level of independence they could have with a potty they can freely access. And ultimately, potty training is about empowering our kids to take control of their own hygiene needs. To be independent.

Potties come in many shapes and sizes, with many different features and intended uses. I will break this down into simple potties, potties with inserts, travel potties, and top hat potties. There are other specialty potties out there which I will touch on briefly, but we’ll stick mostly to the primary types here so you can get to know them. We will cover toilet seat adapters in another post.

Simple Potties

Simple potties are just that – they are very simple. They are all in one piece, making them easy to clean well because they have no seams or extra pieces. However, you must take the whole unit to the toilet to dump it every time your child eliminates, which some find cumbersome. For stable toddlers who are fairly easy going, these are a fine (and economical) choice. You can generally get one for under $10. However, if you are practicing EC with baby, you have a child who is particular about what they sit on, or you prefer to cart a smaller vessel of pee and poo to the toilet, a potty with insert may serve you better.

Simple Potties with Inserts

The low-profile, basic layout of a simple potty, but with a removable insert that you dump in the toilet. For my family, the inserts make them easier to use, because dumping a whole potty can be awkward (especially in a small bathroom). As an added bonus, if you’re practicing EC with a newborn or young baby, the insert can come out and [with most models] sit between your legs while you potty your infant on your lap. If you want to be able to sit up a young baby and give them a little more support (or you have a toddler who wants to feel secure), a potty chair may be a better fit for you.

Potty Chairs with Inserts

Potty Chairs always come with inserts, so you have built-in convenient dumping. As with the simple potties with inserts, you can use the insert to practice EC with a baby on your lap. Where potty chairs have the advantage is with the added security of a full back support. This is very useful if you are sitting a young baby without full control on the potty independently, or if you have a toddler who prefers the look or feel of a full-back potty for their own security.

 

 Travel Potties

 

Travel potties are compact, so they are usually shorter (lower) than regular potties and while great for travel, aren’t usually preferred by kids for everyday. Travel potties usually fold up. Some have covers so you can take the contents with you to dump later; some have disposable liner options, so you can bag the contents and throw them in the trash. Some clever designs can double as a toilet seat adapter, which can be really handy if you want to flip flop between public washrooms and no washrooms at all, or even if you want to use them as adapters at home. Because of their small size, they typically accommodate tiny bums easily, so can be great for EC and early potty trainers. Older toddlers may find them awkward to use because of their size, especially if they haven’t grown up accustomed to them.

 

Top Hat Potties

These potties are great for EC from birth to 6mth. Small and simple, they fit perfectly between your legs for convenient pottying in a classic EC position with you as a support. You can get or make fleece cuffs that keep the tiniest of bottoms from feeling chilly, too.

 

Specialty Potties and Potties with Bells and Whistles

Fisher Price Cheer for Me Potty Chair

While I ultimately support any potty that gets your child out of diapers and onto potties and toilets, I will be honest and say that I am not the biggest fan of the flashy, musical, ready-to-drive, “fun” potties with lights, music, screens and who knows what else. We are teaching our children to pee and poop in an appropriate receptacle that will ultimately evolve into only a toilet because it’s a matter of course. We have to pee and poop… we have to put that pee and poop somewhere… our society has deemed toilets as that place. Flashy potties with buttons, steering wheels, etc., that are partly used as toys, seem to defeat the matter of fact attitude we are adopting about this process while learning to deal hygienically with our bodily functions. But some families may find that they work for them, and that’s just fine.

There are also some specialty potties out there with disposable liners so you theoretically never have to wash them but can either flush or dispose of single use potty bags. While I understand that we are all searching for a little more convenience, this just seems excessive, both in terms of cost, and environmental impact.

I hope you find what you are looking for, and your family ends up with the potty of your dreams! For particular products that I have witnessed working for families, please visit our Resources page. And always feel free to Contact Us, if you need any further guidance!

 

Elimination Communication, Potty Independence, Potty Training

Scared to Potty Train?

ruthanndrummond

img_20181023_0017041.jpg

With Halloween approaching, what better time is there to talk about our fears?! A common sentiment is that parents are scared to potty train. Scared of power struggles, scared of causing psychological damage, scared of accidents and messes, scared that their child won’t be “ready,” and scared that they won’t know what to do and it will fail.

Only a couple of generations ago, potty training was a simple matter of course. There was a culture of potty training at an early age which began as soon as a baby could walk. Toilet independence by 17-20 months worked because it was expected to work – because parents saw it working all around them, and they were confident both in their child’s ability to learn this skill, and in their own ability to teach it. Potty training was part of our cultural knowledge, and was passed down through the generations.

In the middle of the 20th Century, things began to change. I am not going to write about the entire history in this post, but know that the pendulum swung to an extreme of parent-imposed, fear-based methods that caused a lot of psychological and physiological damage, and then, in reaction, swung to the other extreme to a child-led approach that relied on waiting for a child to take the initiative to potty train. Through all of this, our culture was robbed of a whole body of knowledge that had parents leading their children through potty training effectively and without coercive methods, and doing so at a young age. We became so worried about damaging our children after the first experience with extreme methods (and rightly so!), that we never let ourselves balance out. We are still stuck in an extreme, but it is past serving its purpose. After releasing our children from fear-based approaches, we failed to recognize that parents became trapped in a culture of fear of potty training themselves.

The fear of psychological damage is deeply rooted, but based on coercive, pressure-ridden, fear-based methods. Potty training children at a very young age will not cause any damage, if done in a supportive, gentle, non-coercive way. This is proven over and over again by the potty training ages you see everywhere outside of the Western world – children all over the globe are potty trained between 12 and 18 months. Why should our children be any different? If you have not yet read my page on the Readiness Myth, please do have a look!

The fear of accidents and messes can be very real for some parents, yet it is so easy to deal with if given a little thought and preparation. There are ways to protect your house – your flooring and furniture – from accidents, especially in those first few days of the most intensive learning. This is a very short-term problem and it has many solutions. Accidents are part of the child’s learning journey. By delaying potty training, your child won’t miraculously potty train overnight with no accidents. If you face this fear now, you won’t have to do so later, and you’ll save yourself a lot of diaper changes and diaper purchases as well!

The fear of power struggles can be huge for some families. If you already experience regular power struggles with your baby or toddler (over food, getting dressed, discipline, sleep, etc.), it’s true that you are likely to experience them with potty training as well. Keep in mind that toddlers thrive when they have clear and consistent boundaries within which they are secure in the knowledge that they understand the rules. As much as it seems like they want to be in charge, the opposite is actually true. Toddlers want to know that you have their backs, always. And they want to know that you are in charge of the situation, even when they are a completely dysregulated mess. Non-coercive potty training really works within this. It is gentle and without pressure, but it is parent-led and firm in its boundaries.

The fear of not knowing what to do and maybe even failing is a major roadblock for parents in our society. Our cultural knowledge is missing, and in its place is a chaotic garble of conflicting advice, unwanted opinion, and bizarre social media interactions. You don’t need to feel like you are floundering. If you are seeking support and community from like-minded parents, please join the Go Diaper Free of Toronto private Facebook Support Group. If you feel like you need more comprehensive support, learn how you can Work With Us, and always feel free to Contact Us for more information.

Halloween brings us a little spook, and a lot of fun. It lightens up fear, and lets us embrace the unknown, if only for a single night. So, in the spirit of Halloween, I invite anyone in fear of potty training to embrace that fear and face it head on! You CAN do this, and you can do it positively for both you and your child, and have a little fun (and a lot of pride!) along the way!

Elimination Communication, Potty Independence, Potty Training

Feeling Lucky!

ruthanndrummond

turkey on potty

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

This Thanksgiving, I want to take some time to remember how lucky I am. I am lucky to have two amazing little boys; they warm my heart, make me laugh, and tickle my soul every day (…most of the time 😉) and I couldn’t imagine my life without them! I am lucky to have an amazing partner – he’s a wonderful Dad who is involved in every aspect of our children’s lives, a loving and supportive companion who keeps me going when I’m low, and he really contributes his half to the running and nurturing of our family. I am lucky to have the extended family we have – my boys are so lucky to be growing up with four loving grandparents, and lots of wonderful aunts, uncles and cousins. I am lucky to have friends who always lend an ear when its needed, and who enrich our lives and help us out so much day-to-day. And I am lucky for all the amazing and interesting people who I teach; they each add something new to my understanding of the complexity and uniqueness of individual life contexts, and how important those are to the ways we learn and approach tasks in our lives. I am truly thankful to be so lucky in all of this.

I am also thankful that I happened upon some information on Elimination Communication before my first son was born, and that I had the time and resources I needed to research it more. I am thankful that I had the confidence and determination to commit to practicing it, even though it’s unusual in North American society. And I am thankful for all of its results: that it brought me closer to my boys and deepened our communication; that it kept my boys in touch with their own bodies and elimination needs, helping to empower them in the process; that it helped our family reduce its environmental impact through fewer cloth diapers washed and fewer disposable diapers thrown out; that it helped our family to save money on diapers and laundry; and that it led to our first son being potty trained in a stress-free organic process that was finished by 21mths (our second son is in progress at 16mths – I’ll have to report back!).

I am also thankful for my Go Diaper Free training – for being qualified to consult for and coach Elimination Communication and Non-Coercive Potty Training and for being in a position to help children and their families reach toilet independence faster and without pressure, no matter when they are beginning.

And, of course, I am thankful for all of you – My Go Diaper Free Family! And I want to wish everyone a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving!

What makes you feel lucky or why are you thankful?

Potty Independence, Potty Training

Potty Training in Toronto in Crisis

ruthanndrummond

Toronto Potty Training

I’m just not sure how else to describe it.

While it can be an exciting time of transition, September can bring with it a lot of  anxiety, especially for young families. Routines change, schools change, and with that comes a potential change in naps, which can cause young kids to become overtired and have a more difficult time regulating themselves in this already tumultuous phase. Many children are away from their parents for extended periods for the first time, or more than they ever have been, and emotions can be running high already. Parents are wrought with worry about how their children will adjust to all of these changes, and are carrying a lot of their own anxiety. The last thing anyone needs – child or parent – is to add worries about potty training into the mix!

Unfortunately, for many families, toileting issues as their children begin school can be an enormous worry and stress in their lives. This summer I ran into, spoke with and overheard more parents who were expressing their concern that their child wasn’t potty trained before the start of kindergarten than ever before. These are families who have been exclusively depending on diapers for four years or more! It’s exhausting to think about the number of diaper changes that must have entailed, or the money that must have been spent. But for whatever reason (often, they didn’t clearly see their child meet the so-called “readiness” requirements, but sometimes because they were in such a habit of diapering that they just couldn’t see their way out of it and didn’t have the energy or resources to feel prepared for potty training), they were approaching the beginning of their child’s school career, and were starting to worry that they wouldn’t be able to send them. What an enormous worry and incredible burden that must be, especially when not being able to send your child to kindergarten and seeking alternate childcare could end up being financially crippling to some families.

The big problem is that, as soon as an end date is in sight, there is enormous pressure on the parents to have their child potty trained by that date. And as soon as parents are feeling pressure – no matter how hard they try to keep that burden to themselves – the children are feeling pressure, too. Children are amazing that way – they can sense and will mirror the emotional energy in the household without fail. And the number one way to derail your potty training efforts is to operate under pressure!

The result? What I have heard over and over again the last few months has been “we tried potty training, but it didn’t work.” Then, pressure turns to panic, which doubles the pressure, and attempts number two, three, etc. can be worse and worse until child and parents all are overwhelmed with stress and their self confidence has been undermined.

It doesn’t have to be this way!

boy-child-childhood-346796

In an effort to create a safe space for help and support, I have just created the Go Diaper Free of Toronto Facebook Group – a private support group for those looking for help, advice, and camaraderie with other parents and caregivers experiencing the same struggles (and successes!). While aimed at Toronto residents, it will be open to those from other areas looking for community. Please, if your child has entered school and you are still worrying about toilet independence, find support now so you can get out of this cycle of stress. It’s not healthy or fair for you or your child to feel this way – and help, support and community are all out there for you. If your child will be entering school next year and they are not yet potty trained, start now. Don’t wait for the pressure to mount – all you are doing is making it harder on yourself and your child. If you are still waiting for your child to be “ready,” please visit my page on readiness. You and your child can both do this. Your child is capable, now, and the process doesn’t have to be laden with stress, pressure, or worry. Pick a date and make a commitment. Your whole family will be happier for it (and so proud, too!).