Tag: Potty Training Help

Elimination Communication, Potty Independence, Potty Training

Is There a “Right” Time to Potty Train?

ruthanndrummond

Just as there is never a perfect time to get married, or the perfect time to have a baby, you may never feel like there is a perfect time to potty train.

Our cultural messaging leads us to be apprehensive of the potty training process to begin with (I’ve written about that, here). We fear doing it the “wrong” way, and sabotaging the process. We fear pressuring our kids or causing them any kind of trauma or damage. We worry our kids aren’t “ready.” We dread others’ opinions and advice (Don’t leave it too late!; don’t push it too early!) Add in our complicated lives, our over-extended schedules, and our constant connectedness through technology, and it’s no wonder parents are putting off potty training until later and later with each passing year.

So, when is the “right” time to start your child’s journey to potty independence? The interesting thing is that the answer depends entirely on you, and not your child.

Your child is ready to begin their journey now, no matter their age or abilities. For young babies, this will likely be through Elimination Communication to start, but toddlers as young as 18 months (and in some cases, younger) are fully capable of potty training. It doesn’t matter if they “show interest.” It doesn’t matter if they can “sing the ABC song.” It doesn’t matter if they can verbalize at all.

In just 2 generations, Western culture has forgotten its entire history of successfully potty training children by 18mth of age, but this is actually still the norm throughout most of the world. Read about the Myth of Readiness, if you are interested in this topic.

So, if our children are ready, what’s stopping us from doing this right now? Well, we are – the parents. It’s our stress, our worry, our investment in keeping every scheduled activity under the sun, our fear of failure and our lack of confidence and clear purpose in the process. Successful potty training requires dedication and focus, and an attitude shift that prioritizes your child’s toilet learning over other things in your life… for a very short time. In reality, it’s a tiny blip in your relationship with your child, that will give the gift of toilet independence for life.

If you are waiting for the perfect time to potty train, it may never come. You, the parent, have to make it the right time to potty train. You have to decide that teaching your child to take care of their personal hygiene needs, ditching the mess and waste (not to mention, expense!) of diapers, and completing this important right of passage is important enough to you and your child that you will make it a priority. You, the parent, have to let go of any stresses that are holding you back. You, the parent, have to proceed with clarity and confidence, becoming a teacher and guide for your child.

So, when should you start? The earlier the better, as long as you can wrap your head around the importance of the task and the commitment it requires. A casual attitude from the parent will result in a casual attitude from the child. You can have the same success in 12 days as you would have in 12 months – all without causing any damage to your child or using any coercive methods. It’s all in the attitude with which you approach it!

Give yourself permission to trust in your child’s ability as a learner, and in you as a teacher. Give yourself permission to prioritize this process for a short time, even if it clashes with your scheduled activities. Give yourself permission to take the process seriously, and to set clear boundaries for your child so they can take it seriously, too. Toddlers feel more secure and freer to explore within known limits and established expectations – give them the gift of that security. And once you’ve wrapped your head around all of that… go for it. Begin now!

Now, is the right time to start!

Elimination Communication, Potty Independence, Potty Training

Pressure, Pushing, & Potties, Oh My!

ruthanndrummond

I want to write today about something that comes up over and over on every parenting forum and group I see. As soon as someone posts about potty training, there is a flood of comments of: “don’t push it,” “no pressure,” and “take it slow.”

Somewhere along the way (in response to the “wait for readiness” campaign, which I talk about on my Readiness Myth page), our cultural perception became that anything but child-initiated potty training (from a child who is also likely 3yrs+) is inherently laced with rushing, pressure, and coercion; that potty training as an early and/or parent-led process will put undue stress on a child, sabotaging success and perhaps even causing long-term damage, either psychologically or physically.

I’ve written before about the Fear of Potty Training, which feeds into this, but today I wanted to address the difference between moving at a quick pace, within clear, defined boundaries, and moving at a gradual pace, within nebulous or inconsistent boundaries.

For some reason, setting boundaries has become difficult for many parents in our society. But toddlers and preschools thrive in a predictable world of routines, rituals, and rules. When they know and understand the limits, they feel the freedom to explore everything within those limits freely and comfortably, whereas children who are constantly seeking their boundaries, or whose boundaries are inconsistent, generally feel more anxiety and less freedom to explore.

As parents, we are our young children’s literal lifelines, and they instinctively know this. They have an evolutionary imperative to depend on us, 100%, to be their capable guides and leaders in the process of growing up. They want and need to feel like we’re in control, that we always have their backs, and that we can handle all of their moods and behaviours without judgement, no matter what. Yes, they ultimately want to be independent, and they will constantly try out how that feels. But for now, they need to know that they can depend on us to get them there.

What does this mean, for potty training?

Potty training your child clearly and quickly at a young age (18mth+, and occasionally even younger), is actually GENTLER, than potty training your child casually and gradually, and waiting for them to tick off all of the “readiness” boxes (usually at around 3yrs).

Why?

Because giving them clear boundaries to operate within aligns with their developmental life stage, and makes things EASIER for them. Because it puts you, the parents, in the leadership role, which is what your child wants and needs from you. Because giving children the freedom to explore within the boundaries you have set helps them to learn the skill faster and with more confidence, and with much less confusion.

In all but Western countries, the NORM is for children to be potty trained between 12 and 18mths. Their cultures [rightfully] believe them to be capable at these ages, and potty training is seen as a simple matter of course, taken on with confidence by parents who have never been taught to doubt in their child’s abilities. The children are given a clear path to follow, and thrive under their parents’ confident guidance.

Potty training at a young age is not synonymous with pressure and coercion. It does not mean you are pushing your child to do something they are not ready to do. It does not cause your child any damage. Likewise, potty training quickly (whatever the age) does not mean you aren’t being gentle and supportive. It does not mean that you are rushing or forcing your child. It does not mean that the process will fail. You and your child can have the same success in 12 days that you can have in 12 months – it’s all a matter of attitude, commitment, and clarity.

No matter the age of your child, they are capable of beginning their toilet learning now, and are only waiting for your confident guidance. Proceed with intention and clarity, and Toilet Independence will be just around the corner. 😊

Elimination Communication, Potty Independence, Potty Training

Scared to Potty Train?

ruthanndrummond

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With Halloween approaching, what better time is there to talk about our fears?! A common sentiment is that parents are scared to potty train. Scared of power struggles, scared of causing psychological damage, scared of accidents and messes, scared that their child won’t be “ready,” and scared that they won’t know what to do and it will fail.

Only a couple of generations ago, potty training was a simple matter of course. There was a culture of potty training at an early age which began as soon as a baby could walk. Toilet independence by 17-20 months worked because it was expected to work – because parents saw it working all around them, and they were confident both in their child’s ability to learn this skill, and in their own ability to teach it. Potty training was part of our cultural knowledge, and was passed down through the generations.

In the middle of the 20th Century, things began to change. I am not going to write about the entire history in this post, but know that the pendulum swung to an extreme of parent-imposed, fear-based methods that caused a lot of psychological and physiological damage, and then, in reaction, swung to the other extreme to a child-led approach that relied on waiting for a child to take the initiative to potty train. Through all of this, our culture was robbed of a whole body of knowledge that had parents leading their children through potty training effectively and without coercive methods, and doing so at a young age. We became so worried about damaging our children after the first experience with extreme methods (and rightly so!), that we never let ourselves balance out. We are still stuck in an extreme, but it is past serving its purpose. After releasing our children from fear-based approaches, we failed to recognize that parents became trapped in a culture of fear of potty training themselves.

The fear of psychological damage is deeply rooted, but based on coercive, pressure-ridden, fear-based methods. Potty training children at a very young age will not cause any damage, if done in a supportive, gentle, non-coercive way. This is proven over and over again by the potty training ages you see everywhere outside of the Western world – children all over the globe are potty trained between 12 and 18 months. Why should our children be any different? If you have not yet read my page on the Readiness Myth, please do have a look!

The fear of accidents and messes can be very real for some parents, yet it is so easy to deal with if given a little thought and preparation. There are ways to protect your house – your flooring and furniture – from accidents, especially in those first few days of the most intensive learning. This is a very short-term problem and it has many solutions. Accidents are part of the child’s learning journey. By delaying potty training, your child won’t miraculously potty train overnight with no accidents. If you face this fear now, you won’t have to do so later, and you’ll save yourself a lot of diaper changes and diaper purchases as well!

The fear of power struggles can be huge for some families. If you already experience regular power struggles with your baby or toddler (over food, getting dressed, discipline, sleep, etc.), it’s true that you are likely to experience them with potty training as well. Keep in mind that toddlers thrive when they have clear and consistent boundaries within which they are secure in the knowledge that they understand the rules. As much as it seems like they want to be in charge, the opposite is actually true. Toddlers want to know that you have their backs, always. And they want to know that you are in charge of the situation, even when they are a completely dysregulated mess. Non-coercive potty training really works within this. It is gentle and without pressure, but it is parent-led and firm in its boundaries.

The fear of not knowing what to do and maybe even failing is a major roadblock for parents in our society. Our cultural knowledge is missing, and in its place is a chaotic garble of conflicting advice, unwanted opinion, and bizarre social media interactions. You don’t need to feel like you are floundering. If you are seeking support and community from like-minded parents, please join the Go Diaper Free of Toronto private Facebook Support Group. If you feel like you need more comprehensive support, learn how you can Work With Us, and always feel free to Contact Us for more information.

Halloween brings us a little spook, and a lot of fun. It lightens up fear, and lets us embrace the unknown, if only for a single night. So, in the spirit of Halloween, I invite anyone in fear of potty training to embrace that fear and face it head on! You CAN do this, and you can do it positively for both you and your child, and have a little fun (and a lot of pride!) along the way!

Potty Independence, Potty Training

Potty Training in Toronto in Crisis

ruthanndrummond

Toronto Potty Training

I’m just not sure how else to describe it.

While it can be an exciting time of transition, September can bring with it a lot of  anxiety, especially for young families. Routines change, schools change, and with that comes a potential change in naps, which can cause young kids to become overtired and have a more difficult time regulating themselves in this already tumultuous phase. Many children are away from their parents for extended periods for the first time, or more than they ever have been, and emotions can be running high already. Parents are wrought with worry about how their children will adjust to all of these changes, and are carrying a lot of their own anxiety. The last thing anyone needs – child or parent – is to add worries about potty training into the mix!

Unfortunately, for many families, toileting issues as their children begin school can be an enormous worry and stress in their lives. This summer I ran into, spoke with and overheard more parents who were expressing their concern that their child wasn’t potty trained before the start of kindergarten than ever before. These are families who have been exclusively depending on diapers for four years or more! It’s exhausting to think about the number of diaper changes that must have entailed, or the money that must have been spent. But for whatever reason (often, they didn’t clearly see their child meet the so-called “readiness” requirements, but sometimes because they were in such a habit of diapering that they just couldn’t see their way out of it and didn’t have the energy or resources to feel prepared for potty training), they were approaching the beginning of their child’s school career, and were starting to worry that they wouldn’t be able to send them. What an enormous worry and incredible burden that must be, especially when not being able to send your child to kindergarten and seeking alternate childcare could end up being financially crippling to some families.

The big problem is that, as soon as an end date is in sight, there is enormous pressure on the parents to have their child potty trained by that date. And as soon as parents are feeling pressure – no matter how hard they try to keep that burden to themselves – the children are feeling pressure, too. Children are amazing that way – they can sense and will mirror the emotional energy in the household without fail. And the number one way to derail your potty training efforts is to operate under pressure!

The result? What I have heard over and over again the last few months has been “we tried potty training, but it didn’t work.” Then, pressure turns to panic, which doubles the pressure, and attempts number two, three, etc. can be worse and worse until child and parents all are overwhelmed with stress and their self confidence has been undermined.

It doesn’t have to be this way!

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In an effort to create a safe space for help and support, I have just created the Go Diaper Free of Toronto Facebook Group – a private support group for those looking for help, advice, and camaraderie with other parents and caregivers experiencing the same struggles (and successes!). While aimed at Toronto residents, it will be open to those from other areas looking for community. Please, if your child has entered school and you are still worrying about toilet independence, find support now so you can get out of this cycle of stress. It’s not healthy or fair for you or your child to feel this way – and help, support and community are all out there for you. If your child will be entering school next year and they are not yet potty trained, start now. Don’t wait for the pressure to mount – all you are doing is making it harder on yourself and your child. If you are still waiting for your child to be “ready,” please visit my page on readiness. You and your child can both do this. Your child is capable, now, and the process doesn’t have to be laden with stress, pressure, or worry. Pick a date and make a commitment. Your whole family will be happier for it (and so proud, too!).